Location: Ray Behrens Corps of Engineers Campground; about 30 minutes west of Hannibal, Missouri
I have changed my plans and reservations so I can back to my homebase in Louisiana on September 2nd. No emergency, just a feeling that I need to get back earlier. I've stayed at this campground before and if you search the name of the campground in the blog it should come up.
The following short story has been bouncing around in my head for a week or so, especially when I'm traveling. The only way I have found to rid myself of it is to type it out. So here it is:
Healing
Hearts
They met in
the travel section of the local bookstore. It was the only bookstore in Dexter,
Nebraska and it was an old-style store with the smell of freshly brewed coffee
mixed with the scent of leather from some of the book bindings. She was sitting
cross-legged on the floor scanning a travel book as he turned into the aisle.
He wasn’t paying attention and tripped over her. Luckily neither was physically
hurt but both were very embarrassed. They each apologized repeatedly; he for
not paying attention and her for being in the way. Neither could look the other
directly in the eye and both were trying to get away from each other as fast as
possible. The bookstore clerk, a good-hearted older woman, knew both
individually and her heart went out to them for two very opposites reasons. She
saw what happened and felt as though fate had just taken a hand in their lives.
She had been hoping they would meet each other.
After the
two people left separately, the clerk relayed what she knew about the two of
them to her co-worker. She said the woman’s name is Denise, but she goes by
Deedee. She had been in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage for way
too long and prior to that had a very abusive childhood. She had tried to
escape from her husband several times during the earlier years of her marriage,
but he always found her. He would make promises to change and although she knew
they were hollow promises, she would return, it seemed as if she had no other
choice. She knew she needed her freedom but couldn’t muster up the courage to officially
leave her husband and file for divorce. She was trapped and knew it. She had
come to accept her sad married life just as she had previously accepted her
abusive childhood. In her mind, for her, this type of life was just inevitable.
One day, the finger of fate freed her from her abusive husband when he passed
away in a fatal car accident. She was now a widow, and although she had her
freedom, she was afraid. Her deceased husband had never allowed her to have any
close friends and since she had no family, she found herself truly alone in the
world. Her abusive relationship had not prepared her for this type of freedom, so
she kept herself closed off to anyone who tried to get close to her. Her life
consisted of work, home and the bookstore. The wall she built around herself was
tall and strong. She could not trust anyone. The bookstore clerk, had only known
her for less than a year, but was probably the person closest to her.
The man,
Peter, had an opposite life. Strangely, he was a widower which gave them
something in common. His wife of twenty-some odd years had been his true soulmate.
They found each other in high school, dated exclusively throughout college then
married after graduation. When people saw them together it was as if they were
only seeing one person. Each completed the other in every way. They each made
up what the other was lacking. Life allowed them to find each other but never
rewarded them with children. Although sad, they both came to accept the fact
but rejoiced in having each other. Life was good for Peter until the cancer
took his wife away very quickly. Just like Deedee, Peter had no close friends because
both he and his wife felt that sharing their feelings with someone else was just
too close to betrayal. They believed each was enough for each other. Also, like
Deedee, he had no living family members either on his side or his deceased wife’s
side. He had also built a wall around himself to prevent anyone from getting
close to his heart. He just couldn’t risk going through the pain of losing
someone again. Their walls were almost identical in that they closed themselves
off from giving and receiving love.
The
bookstore clerk knew in her heart that she needed to do something to bring
these two lost souls together. She believed they needed each other to help each
other heal. She knew both were interested in travel because that was the only
section of the bookstore they used. Neither had ventured very far from their
hometown so the clerk cooked up a simple plan. She started a “Travel Book Club”
that would meet once a week in the bookstore. She sent out invitations to both
Deedee and Peter. Her sneaky plan worked and both Deedee and Peter showed up
for the first meeting. They were curious why they were the only two attendees. Little
did they know no one else was invited. Although both faithfully attended the
weekly book club meeting, it took a few months before they felt comfortable
interacting with each other. Sure, they would talk during the meeting while
discussing places they wanted to see but it never got personal. The walls they
had built were just too tall and strong. It was during one meeting, Peter asked
Deedee if she had done much traveling. Her answer was sad and insightful, “Only
in my mind”. He replied, “Same here, but maybe someday I will.”
The
bookstore clerk couldn’t wait for Cupid or lightning to strike so she came up
with part two of her plan. During one of the weekly meetings, she asked them if
they would do her a big favor. Both replied at the same time, using the same
word, “certainly”. Wow, two speaking as one? This only confirmed what the clerk had already
known. She told the two about her upcoming retirement and her plans to travel
around the country in an RV. Of course, that wasn’t true, but Peter and Deedee didn’t
know that. She politely and humbly asked them if they would please do some
research and provide her with a list of interesting places to see in the
country along with campgrounds to park the RV while exploring an area. She
added that a detailed map and preliminary budget would also be very helpful. As
an afterthought she asked if they would research and recommend which RV she
should buy that would be suitable for her and companion. She strongly
emphasized that they needed to work together so that what they came up with
would be a balance between both a masculine and feminine point of view since
her companion was a male. At that point
they both turned and looked directly into the other’s eyes. It was the first
time they really “saw” each other. Before that, they felt like they were
invisible and liked that feeling. After two weeks, the clerk asked for a
progress report on the plan. Since they had only met once at the last weekly
club meeting, they didn’t have much to report. Part three of her plan was then
put into effect. It was to ask them if they could speed up their work on the
project since her retirement was quickly approaching (another little lie). They
agreed to meet more often and after a couple of weeks they found themselves
meeting almost daily. In the beginning, they would meet at a coffee shop or in
the park. Eventually they began meeting over dinner which each enjoyed more
than they would admit. In the future, neither would admit to suggesting that
first dinner and would jokingly blame the other. After that they began to spend
almost all their available time together with only part of the time working on
the project. No, they weren’t falling for each other, but they had learned to
be more open, sociable and comfortable with each other. That change only
occurred with each other, not other people. Each of their walls was still high and strong to
the public.
After nine
months of working on the project, they submitted their completed project to the
bookstore clerk. She barely looked at it and part four of her plan began when
she said, “Thank you both for such great work but things have changed. I won’t
be retiring, at least for several more years. It is a shame that so much work
will go to waste.” Allowing that news to
sink in for a minute or so, she quickly and strongly said, “You are both
financially secure and eligible for early retirement right now. Without any family, you’re free to travel as
much as you want. The project you put together is for two people so why don’t
the two of you put it to good use.” Again in unison, both quickly said, “We’re
not a couple”. The clerk summed up the conversation with, “Why can’t friends
travel as friends”. It was as if a light bulb went on over each of their heads.
Peter and Deedee looked at each other and said, “Yeah, why not”?
Over the
last fifteen years and two RV’s, with Deedee as navigator and planner, they had
visited and camped in each of the lower 48 states and Alaska. They were living
their dream. As they passed through the old hometown they would report in with
old bookstore clerk and give her souvenirs of their travels. She began an
extensive collection of them in the travel section of the store. She often arranged
small get-togethers at the bookstore so they could speak about their latest
adventures. There were maps on display in the travel section showing where they
had been and where they were going. They were “near-celebrities”. Several times
they were asked if they were married, but their reply was always, “Just
friends”. The bookstore clerk knew they were more than friends but would never
reveal their secret.
In was in
their twentieth year of traveling when Deedee began to feel sluggish and lacked
energy to explore areas like she had in the past. She also had mysterious pain
throughout her body. The doctors diagnosed her with fibromyalgia. While the
doctor said the disease was not life threatening and that she had many years
ahead of her; she would need to be placed in a nursing facility sometime in the
future to deal with the increasing pain and possible memory loss. As usual,
they both asked the doctor the same thing at the same time, “When?” The doctor
calmly said, “You will know when”. Later that evening while sitting in the RV,
Deedee said, “We’ve been traveling for such a long time that the whole country
has been our hometown. Like we’ve said over the years, ‘our RV has been a small
home but with a big backyard.’ I guess we need to find a stopping spot. But
where do we stop?”
So began the
search. They weren’t exploring areas like they had been doing over the years.
No, instead they were searching for a nice nursing home where Deedee would be
happy. They interviewed dozens and dozens of homes over the years after the
doctor gave his diagnosis. Deedee’s check list for the home included friendly
but qualified nursing staff but it must have a great view. She really didn’t
have a preference as to the view. She told Peter she would know it when they
found it. Silently, under his breath, Peter said, “if there’s time.”
It was in
the third year after they received the bad news from the doctor that Deedee’s
pain level had increased to the point where stronger medication was needed. Her
memory lapses would come and go. She would change from being able to remember
in vivid detail places they had explored years ago and the very next day she
had a hard time remembering what state they were currently exploring. One day
Deedee told Peter the time had come and she knew exactly where she wanted to
settle in for the ‘long goodbye’. Peter wondered where it would be. They had
seen so many beautiful, awe-inspiring places over the last couple of decades. Had
she chosen the nursing home overlooking the Pacific Ocean so she could see the
setting sun or perhaps she favored the Atlantic Ocean to welcome the rising sun
each morning. He remembered her fondness of a mountain valley they had once explored.
Maybe that would be her choice. She had always said being near water gave her a
sense of peace so maybe that home by the lake would be her preferred spot. On
the opposite side of the peaceful places were the big cities. When exploring
them she had said big cities seemed to give her energy with all their
excitement and fast paced movements. So many choices to choose from, but where
had she had chosen.
They arrived
at the nursing home and Peter carried her suitcases inside. They had already
pre-registered in the previous weeks, so it was just a matter of going to her
room. Peter unpacked her things and placed them where they belonged. There was
only one picture. It was of the two of them with the background blurred so much
that you couldn’t tell the place where the picture had been taken. She did that
on purpose. She had said it was that way, so when she looked at the picture it
would be like a blank canvas, and she could place any of her memories of the
places they had explored in the background. She said, “the picture will
represent us and everywhere we have been, both at the same time.”
After moving
Deedee into the nursing home, Peter told her that he would start looking for
him a house to rent and try to find a buyer for the RV. Deedee responded with a
firm, “No you will not. I won’t be responsible for you giving up traveling. I
have a new list of places for you to see and things to do. You will go to those
places, and I will follow you through the blog that we’ve always kept of our
travels. You can call me and facetime me now and again. I don’t want you to
waste your time or feel obligated to facetime or call me every day. Do it just
on those extra special days, when you stumble across an extra special and great
“wow” moment. In time between your calls, I’ll just enjoy my view. Don’t do
this for me. Instead, please do this for ‘US’.”
And so it
was, Peter traveling and Deedee updating her list of places for him to travel
to and things for “them” to see. Although at first, he called her about every
other day, she finally made him understand that she preferred him to call her
every two to three weeks. When he called, she would quiz him about what he had
seen since the last call as well as what he had felt when he experienced those
“wow” moments. Every call was special to both of them. One day she didn’t
answer. On the third day of calling, she finally answered and everything
sounded normal. This confused Peter but he passed it off the natural
progression of the disease. He figured it was time to return to her to see for
himself just how she was doing. It took him almost ten days to get there and
during that time, she never answered his calls. Once he arrived, the nursing
home staff informed him that she had become non-verbal and unresponsive to
human interaction. She just sits on the balcony looking out to what she always
referred to as her “perfect view”. When he went to her room and found her on
the balcony, she didn’t recognize him and gave him a blank stare. He knew the
day would eventually happen, but it still hurt him deep into soul as he tried
to get her to quiz him about where he had been. No matter how hard he tried,
she would just stare at him. She had become lost within herself.
It wasn’t
long after he got back to her that she passed away. It was as if she had held
on just long enough for him to return to her even if she didn’t know him. He went
to retrieve her meager belongings from the nursing home and while standing on
the balcony, he was handed a letter. The nurse told him something he already
knew. She said, this was her favorite spot. She would sit here for hours just
staring at the view. Just seeing his name on the envelope, he knew it was from
her by the flowery script she always used. After staring at the view that she
had said was priceless, he opened the letter and it said:
My
dearest Peter,
As I’m
writing you this letter to explain a few things, I’m enjoying my view of the
bookstore. I noticed the nursing home on the hill across from the bookstore
when we last visited several years ago. That is when I knew where I wanted to
spend the last days of my life. The bookstore has been the focal point of my
life. It is where we found each other and where we planned our future although
at the time we didn’t know it. It was a wonderful life, and we’ve saw so many
things. Things I could have only dreamed about in my mind had we not found each
other. You never talked much about your deceased wife even though I could
always tell you were still very much in love with her. I never tried to take her
place. It was the same way with me. I rarely talked about my abusive past. We
each sort of made an unspoken pact to live for the present and try not to let
the past affect us too much. Over the years, you have always asked me if I
loved you and if I felt your love. I would never respond directly. I will
answer you directly now. Because of my past, I don’t think I was capable of
loving or being loved but you gave me something above and beyond love. From the
time I asked you on that first dinner date, (yeah, I asked you) until my last
breath, you made me feel safe and I was unafraid. That was the greatest gift
you could have ever given me. Thank you for saving me by sharing your life with
me but most of all for making me feel SAFE.
Love, Deedee
Ya'll take care of each other. Maybe I'll Cya down the road.
